The weather outside is frightful…..

14 Dec


Peter regretted the cold dip and the fact that his penis was gone forever….


The pounding of nails being hammered into wood is deafening as is the crash of shuttering windows and slamming doors. People run through streets dragging young children and infirm relatives behind them. Tasks of great importance go untended, and public works projects sit idle at the impending news.

¡Los ingleses vienen, los ingleses vienen! (gracias Paul!!)

That’s right the James family is going to San Diego!

Four days of sun, sand, and whatever else they have that begins with the letter S; plus all the other letters in between for that matter. A welcome break from the tropical heat of Phoenix, a sweet release from the burgeoning temperatures of mid-December sun shine. Whilst England struggles through the worst snow storm for decades and people croak shoveling snow in the mid-west, we continue to bask in sub-tropical temperatures. Some would say we have it made although to be honest here in Arizona we have to endure hardships too! The pool for instance is a little frosty and so there’s no swimming until at least the month of May. Who wants to jump into pool water that is less than 80C? To add to this we can no longer sit comfortably outside of an evening and are forced to wear a minimum of two t-shirts and possibly two socks as well. The number is of course arbitrary and dependent upon the fortitude of the individual concerned.

 Roger and Sebastian agreed there was nothing quite like snow-balls


Britain is expecting another eight inches of snow, plus sub-zero temperatures for the foreseeable future. Although potentially disastrous, one has to take into account the veracityof the British Meteorological Institute, and so realistically they are probably in for balmy weather with sunny showers! The last time they predicted the weather correctly was when they accidentally called for light rain just before Noah launched his ark. Although not indifferent to the freezing European temperatures, I am more concerned with the strength of the morning sun and adjust my shades accordingly. What is really alarming are the predicted deaths. Thousands of people are expected to perish during the coming cold snap, Siberian winter , ice age; choose your terminology. Britain hasn’t been this cold since the earlier 1960s and to be honest I am struggling to melt the icicles around my own heart so I can feel pity.

Tommy and Susan found out the  hard way that super-gluing their hands to the car was not as funny as it had first seemed…. 


Even now as I misspell, people are laying prostrate on beaches in California complaining that their drinks aren’t cold enough and that the ice is melting to0 quickly in their cocktails. Blazing sunshine is beating down on solar worshippers, blistering their bums and irradiating their flesh. Sounds like heaven to me. If there is a god then he is currently wintering in the south west of the U.S.

Spoke to relatives back home in England the other day that daren’t go out for fear of falling and breaking wind, a hip, or some other appendage. Cars remain locked in garages as snow is something that the islanders have never had to deal with in the past and so the notion of snow tires has never crossed their frost bitten minds. Although Christmas card idyllic, memories of Christmases of long, long ago are coming home to roost; a classic case of being careful for what you wish. The winter bitch-fest decrying the lack of snow at Christmas and the abject detestation of cold grey December days is a distant memory. Well there it is people! Fill thy boots with holly and race naked through the snow. Make hay while the sun doesn’t shine or something to that effect.

Upon emerging Pedro realized that they had dug the drugs tunnel a little too far…


I love reading the comments in the Daily Mail (the non-thinking man’s newspaper. from people who survived whichever catastrophe de jour that is being reported. The people who remember walking up hill to and from school in shoes made from barbed wire in total blackness in the middle of the day. True stories if you choose to believe the swarthy veterans who remember when it was colder than a witch’s tit, when the frost was emasculating brass monkeys and water was as hard as made in china steel. Invaluable advise such as wearing socks over your shoes to protect you from the elements , covering your body in whale grease to ward of the cold. I can just see myself headed off to Walgreens for a liter of whale grease and a pound of blubber; but there again maybe not.

The house-wife down hill ironing board olympic event was a huge success…

The BBC recycles useless information on how to survive the Blitz, cold, global warming, influx of Poles. (Check as appropriate.)Nameless faces quote auto queues in the hope of informing their frozen public.

And here is the weather for the next 24 hours…..

Lashings of snow and subzero temperatures are expected throughout the U.K, accompanied by freezing seas and searing Siberian winds. The public are advised to burn supplementary relatives and everything else they hold dear in order to keep warm. Citizens of Britain should be aware of falling frozen birds, and homeless people; who may be considered trip hazards once they freeze inside their plastic blankets. The government advises a stiff upper lip, some good old fashioned Britishness , a round of cheery war time music, and to remain calm when the air raid siren sounds.

We never had it so good.


Helsinki suffers this kind of weather every single year and yet the roads remain open, the airports fit for traffic and their public safe; a simple case of investing in what’s necessary. Funnily enough Finland doesn’t have any aircraft carrier groups, a nuclear deterrent or financial malfeasance. What is does have are some of the best schools, medical facilities and social services anywhere in the world.

“Yes but they’re socialists!” I hear you cry. “They’re taxed to high heaven and their government is in charge of everything.”

 Not so much when you consider that we have a situation in England where no matter what we vote for our choices have already been made for us. Another war of Empirical conquest or a system which actually produces satisfied citizens and snow free roads; so hard to choose!

 Svetlana’s  poor command of English had taken the ice-ho in ice-hockey to a different level…


I dither over my choice of shorts as no doubt being in San Diego for a couple of days I will have to fit in with the locals. Dark glasses, sombrero hast, Spanish accent and open toe sandals. Not a jar of whale grease in site.

 I am ready. San Diego lock up your bier kellers!


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