21 Dec



After his success with the bread and fish, Jesus thought he would try his hand at New York traffic….


The traffic lights finally turn green and a battered white car, entering the junction from the left, tries to force its way into the grid locked traffic. After waiting patiently for at least twenty nano-seconds the insurgent decides that it’s his god given right to take his place at the front of the queue, even though everyone else has stood in line for what seems like days. Quite an easy assumption to make if you are an ignorant bastard; as the wanker in the car in front of me clearly is! As he imposes his will upon the already assembled, his bumper stickers come into view. Of course he is a bloody Christian and a proud American, his allegiances easily identifiable by his collage of made-in-China sun faded stickers. Clearly the patriotic zealot, unlike everybody else, is desperate to reach whatever destination the lord has chosen for him.

 The new inner city Rubik’s cube was going to be a bitch to solve…


Horns blast, piss boils and tempers fray as road rage rears its ugly head.   

Suddenly it happens as it always does! A window is wound down and from behind tinted glass the face of tribal dissatisfaction appears. Luckily having attended classes at the Helen Keller School of Linguistics I am able to read the lips of the two inaudible combatants in front of me. Peering through my bug-encrusted windscreen I struggle to translate the urgent conversation between flailing arms and shaken fists. Something to the effect that he loves his mother in the Biblical sense, that he needs to go away and procreate, and something about being a pathetic self-abuser.


The Queen wasn’t going to take any more of Charles’ shit……


Shameless, and at this time of year as well! Whatever happened to brotherly love? Oh, there it is! Apparently the guy in the car in front of me is also a lover of men; so I guess that clears that up!


Windows slide back into position and tempers cool. The memory of the altercation is lost in the smell of burnt rubber as the white car speeds away from the junction, personal dignity and Christian values still intact. The lights switch and once again we are forced to endure the purgatory of interminable redness.


After years of abuse Norman had to accept that he was giant handed four fingered freak….


Although road rage is common enough my own personal phobia is the highway stalker; that lone, unshakeable vehicle that just won’t shift out of the rear view mirror. Despite exits and gas stations, rest stops and pee breaks, the stalker remains pinned to your tail, no matter how many miles or how long you drive.


Passing the picturesque slum of Yuma, heading in the general direction of Mexicali and Calexico (I am not making this crap up…) I happen to notice a white truck in my rear view mirror. Nothing unusual about that! Just another random traveler, burning the necessary hydrocarbons on a personal journey to nowhere. I quickly forget him, turn up the radio, take another sip of sugar, and carry on. The family sleeps peacefully. It’s just me and the Mariachi hero blaring from the speakers. There is something about bass guitar accompanied by a complete brass section that puts a body at ease. The hours pass and after consuming everything in sight, along with countless miles, I notice the truck is still in my rear view mirror.


Unable to master the trumpet, Anna decided just to shake her maracas…. 

 I speed up and watch as the image remains constant. I slow down and nothing changes. Flashbacks from The Hitcher movie, and remembered images of Rutger Hauer’s bloodied blade race through my mind. Anxiety complexes and innate irrationality dog my thoughts. I stare at the truck with the invisible driver and feel the hatred course between our vehicles. The unknown stalker and the bored out of his wits fantasist locked in a battle of hysterical imagination. 

 Alright Mother-fucker if that’s what you want, that’s what you’ll get! 

I boot the accelerator and watch the needle rise above ninety. The truck behind me slowly disappears. Feeling slightly more comfortable I ease off the gas and go back to the music. The needle drops below eighty and before you know it there he is again; undaunted by my show of speed or my superior defensive driving technique. Clearly he thinks he is in my league.


Screw him!


Darth was pissed with his Walmart light sabre…


I hit the gas again, determined to ditch my unwanted follower, my foot solid to the floor. Miles disappear beneath my wheels and a sense of calm once again envelops me. Absorbed in my musical Mexican bonanza, I unwittingly slow down, unaware that the silent assassin is gaining ground and slowly creeping up on me. I only realize he is there when his vehicle looms large in my mirror, the blurred image of truck as it races by me. I stare through the tinted glass unable to perceive the driver. I know he is there. I can feel him, smell him; oh yes, I know his game!


I drop a gear and for the next twenty miles we play highway tag. First I lead and then he; a dance of pole positions as we overtake each other every five miles or so. Enough is enough! My paranoia takes over and I pull out of my lane and draw alongside him.


I roll down my window, the air pressure chattering my teeth and driving my eyelids into my forehead. My jowls wobble and flap uncontrollably and I stare skull-like into the blackness of the cab. I know he sees me even if I can’t see him. I flip my finger, mouth an obscenity, raise my window, and take the very next exit. Stopping the car, I rejoice in the thrill of battle, the sweat of post-traumatic stress coursing down my spine.

Denise was surprised to discover that her new date from was hung like a baboon….


That was close; that very nearly happened!


I pull myself together and reflect on the number of creeps and weirdos that abound in these modern times. I check my mirror and gun the engine. Hopefully the rest of the journey will be less eventful.



  1. happilydisgruntled December 22, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    LOVE the caption with the first photo. Literally started laughing out loud.

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