Tag Archives: NEW BOOK


28 Jan




In the manner of Mr. Cooper-Clarke


It’s hard to forget, it burns like bleach in your mind. The solitary love experienced with your dad’s spank-mags, which you just can’t seem to find. No matter how hard you look or how hard you try, it’s the memory of those dirty, nasty, filthy, delicious, books that puts lead in your pencil and a gleam in your eye.

It was a Friday night disco where he spied her first; six lager-shandies and still dying of thirst, in the village hall, with fresh, shaved legs and shower-washed scent, a catalogue princess, on that strobed-striped-sticky dance floor, a smoke-shadowed-seductress with lascivious intent.

Thirteen weeks of one-pound ten before she’d get her mum’s permission to order from Gratan’s again. But worth the wait to look that good – spaghetti straps, stripper heels, knickerless – the belle of the ball, the light of her daddy’s eye, the bauble of the neighborhood.

The focus of every wet dreamer, a wankers delight, one more from the bar and he just might, ask her for her phone number, where did she live? Hoping she wanted it as much as he fucking did. A cock-tease apprentice and consummate liar, the object of morning glory and spotted puss-filled teenage desire. With a look you only see in fingered, dog-eared Spanish-holiday brochures, watching her dance around handbags, with her pathetic always-there mates, while you imagined her yours.

An exchange of numbers and a promise of more; fond, clinging, groping, farewells as you’re pushed out the door. Bodily fluids, sweating palms and the pain of crushed cherry flavoured lips. Sticky fingers and a private to be revisited at some moment in the future as-yet-to-be-ascertained memory digested with the acid taste of village-bought fish and chips.

“Five pound fifty pence, with V.A.T. at twenty percent, mushy peas and scraps. Thank you very much!”

Fortune was smiling and the living was easy, the soppiness of first love, valentines and heart-shaped crap-chocolate making him queasy. Promises of forever easily spoke with silver-lined, down-filled, pillow-top intimacies ultimately broke. The matching tattoos that were supposed to indelibly tether, and all that which was sworn over pints and shared smoky-bacon crisps couldn’t keep them together.


Living it large and smelling of roses, thanks to liberal doses, of the flatulence of change and the antiperspirant of fate.

She’s all you’ve ever wanted but she’s fucking your mate.

She’s breaking your heart ‘cos she’s fucking your mate.

You’ll break her bleeding neck ‘cos she’s fucking your mate.







18 Dec

It being Christmas and the season of giving and all that, I’m currently running a 5 day free book promotion on Amazon.

Check it out


LORD ALF @ Amazon

KIndle and book format



 Enjoy. All I ask is that you leave a review.


15 Sep



The Formalistic movement of literary critique was a reaction to the cold, calculated method of viewing literature through the eyes of supposed political motivation, biographical nuance and historical interpretation, the verbiage laid open like a cadaver on a slab to be viewed as individual pieces. Instead of the detractive pseudo-science of literary vivisection, the text was considered by the Formalists in its entirety as a work of literary endeavor; the product of its parts rather than the sum of them.

Formalism allows one to avoid the clutter of political climate and social adaptation, a novels provenance and the atmosphere in which it was created. Unhindered by such motivations we, the reader, are observers of the words in the work and what it is they say to us and of the author. It isn’t about situational context or trying to put one’s self in the position of the writer but to understand that which they have written, rather than that which has caused the author to write it. We are not applying a deconstructed analysis but taking the body of text as the sum of its parts and viewing it in its totality. What is denotative and what is connotative, what metaphors are being used, can we recognize themes through either allusion or simile and is there an etymological significance with regard to word usage?  Simply put, it’s is not why we think it’s being said but how it’s being said.

The beauty of the formalistic criticism is its simplicity. To add biographical bias or to presume the authors intent is to step outside its bounds, to presuppose their mind and reason is to analyze and dissect. Instead, by utilizing the text as a metaphorical murder site, we can sift through the clues, peruse the D.N.A. and formulate an opinion. When one observes a painting one may choose to contrast the quality of lead based paints over modern oils or perhaps compare the use of horse hair instead of synthetic bristles. But what of its body and what does it reveal of itself? Is the painting beautiful, what does it mean to you, what in its composition evokes an emotion or causes a reaction?

Close reading of a text will reveal such things as tone and mood, metaphors and allusions, indications of intent and innate symbolism. Through the analytical observance of text we can discover its secrets, what it is that underlies the work and what is written between the lines, so to speak. To use the old adage of “It isn’t what we say but how we say it,” that is the crux of formalistic critique. The focus of the formalist is the text, the whole text and nothing but the text.




12 Sep



Masseur Invades Game, Avoids Crucial Goal And Qualifies His Football Team In Brazil (HD)


30 Aug


The book LORD ALF is on KINDLE.

If you click the side-link or go to Kindle you can download the book.




27 Aug



HOORAY – It’s finally out. Now it just needs to be read and reviewed.

This is where you come in. Please take the time to read and leave your thoughts on the book web page at Amazon.










22 Aug

Busy putting the final touches to the cover before the book goes onto KINDLE and AMAZON.

The book should be available in the next couple of weeks — I know, where have you heard that before?

Let me know what you think. Personally I think it’s bloody  good!